But first, the saga of Jakob Giessen "S":
You will find that Jakob’s full last name, not just his initial of his last name, will be revealed by the end of this piece, and is the reason, at least in many ways, for what you are reading. His middle name comes from his mother’s lineage. His last name is part of why he grew up as tough a man as he did. Oh, yes, we cannot forget. It seems in Germany there is one “s” in Giesen but it translated to two on this side of the Atlantic. Your correspondent has been unable to locate any explanation for this.Giesen is a region within Hesse, one of the many German states at the time - and where Jakob started his life in 1816. He was conscripted at 14, being quite big for his age, into the local prince’s army, from which he promptly deserted at the earliest opportunity and managed to find his way to the shores of England. Still being penniless, he again found himself in the army and wearing red again. And he was promptly shipped out to participate in the sixth Xhosa war where he was rather badly wounded and came under the not particularly tender care of one Lieutenant Flashbottom, heir to a minor fortune. The lieutenant decided that the air on a hunting trip to the plains of North America would do Jakob well in his recovery - and be his valet. And, indeed, he recovered completely. The trip was not so kind to Flashbottom who was captured by the Arapahoes, given over to and treated unspeakably by the Crow, and then taken during a raid, scalped, and killed by the Lakota.
Jakob managed to escape the massacre and capture of the rest of the party and so he cast his lot with the mountain trappers that came along to pick over the remainders and found him. As a mountain man, he earned a remarkable reputation for wrestling wild grizzly bears - and bore rather horrific scars to show the truth of his tales. Well, his grizzly bear tales; some of his other tales were a little harder to believe. Such tall tales is the way of those rugged individualists.
After a few years and having grown to full manhood and said to be the strongest man in a thousand miles in any direction, his restless spirit was arrested by a Nez Perce maiden, by the name of Owl’s Feather, of extraordinary beauty. He had to fight off many of her people’s suitors and several mountain men - sometimes savagely - before word got out that she wanted him as much as he wanted her and she would mutilate any other man that touched her. Most men understood exactly what she meant. There was one man who didn’t quite get it who thought he was tougher than Jakob and that Owl’s Feather must want him more than Jakob. He speaks in falsetto now, in a whisper since she almost severed his wind pipe as well as, well, some other body part. He also lives on the east side of the Atlantic after he heard what Jakob intended to do to him - though Owl’s Feather insisted she came to no harm.
Jakob and Owl’s Feather decided to raise a family and settled on the western bank of the Yeepeekayay River a bit south of where the mighty Misery River flowed in from the west and set up a ferry for hauling wagons across the river. He built them a nice cabin and with the increasing traffic westward, it looked like the two of them would have a nice life on the shore of the river. Then January ’48 happened and that lead to the ‘49ers making their way west with some less than reputable scoundrels included.
Unfortunately, a party of rogues without the ability to pay the fare ended up ending both Jakob - and the very pregnant Owl’s Feather’s - life. Not realizing just who Jakob was, they lingered a bit too long and before the last of his life force drained from his body he managed to kill all five of the men, two he literally ripped their heads off, one he broke his back so that he died a horrible, lingering death; the other two tried to ride away but Jakob was able to shoot them both off their horses and they drowned in the river. He died holding onto Owl’s Feather and sobbing like a baby, such was his love for her.
All of the above seems a sad and tragic tale and, of course, it is. But Jakob was the first permanent white resident in what became the largest county in the very large territory west of the Mississippi Mountains and east of the mighty Sierra River: Joetanazona Territory.
Those who came later learned of Jakob and Owl’s Feather’s fate as pieced together by several of Jakob’s mountain man friends who heard of his passing and set out to figure what happened - many of those same men later served as scouts for the United States Army and guided wagon trains of settlers to the western settlements.
It was those mountain men who regaled other pilgrims of the tale and Jakob became a certified legend locally so that when it came time to name the largest county in the territory, it was quickly - though not entirely peaceably - settled that the county had to be named for its first white resident. And so that is how the town’s courthouse got Jakob’s last name emblazoned on it and how a rather obscure German, turned mountain man, turned husband, turned ferryman, modest of means, stamped the county with his name as well.
Not only is Anachronism, the former Jakob’s Ferry, fully settled as the county seat, there are some who think it is likely to be the seat of government for the whole territory, a ‘capital’ capital city. The presence of the territorial governor and his party and their ladies in town lends much credence to that likelihood though it is not yet certain so our readers are cautioned to restrain their enthusiasm until confirmation is available.
Before we leave off this tale, it has created quite a stir as to who the new presiding federal judge will be: the famous - more likely infamous - Judge Ralph Garbanzo, the man who thinks Judge Roy Bean goes far too easy on those who traipse against the laws of the land. He has already got a double, maybe triple, scaffold going up outside the courthouse. Expectation is that it will be very well used. We have yet to confirm the fantastical rumor that a Lady Guillotine may make an appearance in Anachronism. Several thoroughly disreputable ‘defense’ lawyers have been crying that using such a machine would violate the United States Constitution. We expect the town to get a bit exciting as time moves along.
As to the imposing edifice, it is one of the most impressive buildings anywhere on the frontier, great expense expended to get the hardest of hard stones to build it, that of course being the local brimstone. The nature of some of Anachronism’s denizens forestalls the debt collectors, despite their entirely legal claims to getting paid, from pressing very hard about the debts due for its construction. There is some hope in those eastern financier drawing rooms that things will get better with Judge Garbanzo installed in office. This may be true if he can put a significant dent in the rife fraud and other unsavory shenanigans in the territory - and even in the streets and alleyways of Anachronism itself. It will take some time, and perhaps some untoward events, to make a complete determination.
And now for the revelation, though certainly you local residents of any length will of course have guessed it. Our esteemed county shall henceforth bear the moniker of:
SPLATTERGUTZ COUNTY
In honor of the late Jakob Giessen Splattergutz. And, naturally, the courthouse shall be emblazoned with:
Splattergutz County Courthouse
Festivities to commence at noon on Saturday next. Expectations are high for a roaring time.
And now, the report:
"Whats that you say? You want to hear about my part in the gunfight at the big ranch near the train station? Well pass me your bottle and I'll tell you. Ah, that is some pretty good stuff. Not the best, but very drinkable...if you know what I mean. What? my story? O.k.
Lance"
As reported by game participant Mike W. - who shall be awarded a place of either honor or dishonor as the occasion presents itself in another saga from Splattergutz County - since he was the first to provide an independent take on The Incident.
Other than the unfortuneate calumny heaped upon the wealthy and generous George "The Dude" van Vittles, the above report is more or less accurate. Perhaps, in the future Lance, will throw in his lot with the sods that hang about Muleskinner Canyon?
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